Splendor in my song
Lately, I’ve had a song in my heart, a song that sings the music of my soul where the splendor of life is blossoming. This year has whizzed by revealing its own layers of mystery, surprises, and things buried under floorboards. But as I reflect back, I recognize it is all part of the splendor in my song.
I’ve come to realize my whole life is a song. Sometimes, the songs are melancholy full of strings that tug on my heart and make me cry bringing me back those I miss. Other times, it’s a Soca song that gets my hips moving, my body twirling and it takes me on a wild ride into joy. Music is like a rich tapestry that expresses my life. 2024 has been a year of changes, big changes. Intentionally blowing my life up has brought me to a deeper level of inner intimacy, healing, strength, courage, and a new unexpected love that is adding such delight and joy into my life.
After the loss of my husband, I never thought that I would be blessed with another deep love, and yet here it is, a surprise I wasn’t expecting. Life is full of unexpected twist and turns and this is one of them. There is splendor in life the same way splendor is present in music, in the shape of the wind on my skin, in the smile on my lips, in the flight of a bird, in the sun rising and setting, in nature herself. This year more than any has reminded me to remain open, curious, bold, flexible, to take risks, to be gentle and compassionate with myself, to integrate the parts of me ready to come home, but most of all to love myself unconditionally. There is splendor in my heart for all the things I’ve lived through, all the things that have shaped my life. All those things are part of my song. Every grief, fear, anxiety, joy, loss, it all belongs in my song. I’m not interested in turning the difficult things away, only loving what is part of my whole story. The whole story must be told. Yes, this is not an easy path, but this is the path I have chosen for myself, the path of wholeness. There is splendor in my song because my song tells the tale of a life that is being lived and felt fully.
To feel is a gift. To love is to experience the wonders of life. To live is to open a treasure chest full of varied bounty. We have become as a society use to associating bounty as only the “good” things. But we must go beyond seeing things as good and bad to being inclusive of all things held in that treasure chest. We hate because we have not yet learned how to be inclusive of what lies within us. There is much talk about diversity, equity, and inclusion in companies, the problem with that is if we cannot offer compassion to the parts of us that are so different, parts of us that are frown upon, parts of us that are hated, how can we offer that to anyone else. We will surely be met with resistance. The peace, freedom, and inclusion we seek in the world must first begin within each of us.
My journey inward towards my shadows is to do just that, find common ground with the parts of me I dislike and offer it love. This is my true work in my lifetime. I surely won’t win a Pulitzer Prize for it when I uncover new territory that reshapes my entire existence to reforge a brand new emotional ecosystem that grants me balance, harmony, and an unshakable inner peace. No amount of external success, winning, likes, even having a love partner will do this for me. This is where no one can follow and the wisdom that will come as a result of my healing is the gifts others will surely get a chance to experience. This is the splendor of my song.
Every morning, I look at myself in the mirror and I say I love you till I began to feel the energy of that love rippling through me. When I began, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for too long. Parts of me didn’t like what she saw. Dark circles under the eyes from insomnia (hello menopause), sadness in the eyes, chubby cheeks, on and on the story went. But as I braved staying, keeping the eye contact, I flowed between crying and laughing. Now smile, I lean in as close as I can get to that mirror and I say those words, “I Love You,” and mean it. I drink in every aspect of myself and accept her. I accept the image staring back at me and also go beyond what is staring back at me, my soul. There is splendor in my song.
I write this to share being human is complicated. We are not taught to love ourselves but to love others. We are taught that it is selfish to be self-reliant, yet we miss a vital aspect of true inner resiliency when we don’t have the capacity to build a solid foundation of self-love. The ones we love will leave, let’s be honest here. We have no control over death, or what other people will do. We must be the anchor and live from that anchor. We will grieve and experience grief, but it will not be the end of our world. Rather, if we are bold enough, it might be the beginning of something brand new and extraordinary. A new song being forged within us that shows us the splendor of life itself. Life is splendiferous and it is our job to journey to the lands to discover it.