The crack in the dark
I am not afraid of the dark. We’ve been told stories of how the dark is no place to travel. That it is a scary place, filled with demons, goblins, and monsters that will rip us apart. What if these urban myth stories are a lie and we’ve been avoiding the dark for all the wrong reasons? What if the movement, entry, acceptance of the dark is the pathway to freedom, to free ourselves from our own demons, goblins, and monsters that seek to destroy our lives?
Each day here in Costa Rica I arise at four-thirty in the morning and I make my way into the dark to sit by the beach. It’s unnerving for sure. What will I find or what will find me? I brave it anyways because I’ve already been through the dark and that part of me that knows I’ll be just fine, pushes me forward so I sit under that dark dome. Today, it is dark clouds that cover it, the slap of the waves my only companion, even the animals are not awake. The constant churn of the ocean, its sound, is reassuring, I’m not alone, the ocean is with me. I’m not sure why I’m drawn to come here the same time every morning but I don’t ask questions, that’s not my business right now. I simply go, sit, watch and be a part of an ecstatic dance between dark and light.
The dance between the dark and the light reminds me of our stories, the experiences we’ve lived through, the dark and light of them. Here on the retreat, we are sharing our stories, and nature is holding the space for these stories to land with love. The morning sky is showing us a tale of our stories. As the minutes pass, tiny cracks that look like slits begin to peer out in the thick dark clouds. This is the entry point where light is exposed in our stories, an offering, a way out, an opportunity to see what lies behind the darkness, light.
Sometimes we are so focused on the bad that has happened to us that we miss what the gift or medicine in our story is. Healing is looking at all sides. What was done to us, what was done to us did to us, and how what was done to us has gifted us. The courage in traveling with our stories is to see the ever changing terrain along the way. The sun that has come out, the flowers blooming, the rocky road that has turned smooth. The long climb that has finally leveled out, the ease of walking steady without the laboring of breath. The journey through our stories are filled with an ever-changing landscape. Seated in the center of awareness, can help us to know where we are in the journey of our stories.
The question I posed to everyone in our circle group and by the way the question I’m also posing to myself is “who do you want to be?” Despite the experiences of our past, we have the gift of choosing, who we want to be. We can stay the same that is one choice or we can choose to rebirth a version of ourselves that will support the life we are dreaming for ourselves. But this will require action and participation. We cannot live on the sidelines of our lives expecting change to happen, action is needed as well as stillness to listen to what that action will be.
Today, I’m appreciative of the morning’s offering to me. This is like church, better I say. God speaks the language of nature in silence. There is no dogma here, no rules to follow. Only sit and be still. Today there is no bold splash of colors across the sky. No purples, oranges, golds, and reds. Instead, it was black turning to gray. These muted colors also tell a story. A story of overcoming our darkness, redemption, and appreciating the whole entire journey. It gives me hope as I listen to all of our stories. The crack in the dark clouds that exposes the light gives me hope, and inspires my own heart to keep going, to be fearless in approaching changes in my life which can feel dark. It gives me courage to begin and to keep going, and to shift perspective that light is indeed behind the dark.
Nature is the ultimate teacher. I know, I come out here every morning for her to show me the way. She is teaching me. By showing up when I should be sleeping, I’m getting a first class lesson of life. I get the chance to revel at these daily changes in the sunrise. These daily changes in me. None of it good or bad, only different. Beauty exists in varying forms. It reminds me of the women in my group, all very different and beautiful in their own way, all with different stories, some that overlap, some that don’t. I’m also learning from each of them, growing in solidarity with them and all of our stories. Sisters healing with sisters. This is powerful medicine. I hope they can feel it too.
I’m grateful for this gift of gathering, connecting, community. This is how we heal, this is how we grow, this is how we welcome change. One story at a time.